Sunday, February 9, 2014

At Least In A Dream

If you've been with me for awhile, you might remember me more than  just mentioning my religious guide, the Sayed. I haven't talked about my religious journey because lately it has become more of detours.

and you know what happens when someone meets a bad apple, they'd think the whole tree is bad. So being a rather humbled bad apple, I somewhat decided to keep most of the religious stuff to FB and keep the rather casual stuff here.

I took my baiah with the Sayed... fealty of a seeker to someone who'll show him the way. When I took that baiah, I was the best I could ever be. Wasn't perfect... bloody huge gaping holes in my faith here and there, but the attitude, the drive, the desperation I felt of wanting to be saved... it was there.

After the baiah, I had his counsel for a year or so. I could see him every working day and he'd teach me this and that. It's not just the how in religion but those things that connect the heart to your faith.

He became, in a way, a father to me despite his younger age (I think a good 4 years younger). I love him like a father. Include him in my prayers. Often reminded of him when his great great great grandad's name is mentioned or when his brother's talk on ikimfm.

Anyways... I am guessing it's close to 3 or 4 years since I've last seen him. The last time he was in Malaysia he called me telling him he was there if I wanted to see him. He never calls or text me unless it was to reply (and even those are rare). His phone is like always buzzing... people from around the world wants to stay connected to him. Plus his job is already taking the huge chunk of his time.

But I get to have him, an hour a day after zuhur prayer for a one to one counsel. Never thought how precious that was then.

So yes I missed him dearly, and as much as I wanted to see him when he told me he's in town... I didn't take that 20 minute drive to his house. I was worried when he sees me, he'd see the mess I'm in and all those counsels he gave was for vain. You see, the counsels he gave all pointed out to the dangerous things in my life. Every single thing. Don't repeat the same mistake (i did that), be patient (I wasn't) and a lot more of 'be careful of that! and I rammed recklessly into it" stuffs.

I remember seeing him once, busy with his dad's burial. Looking at me smiling at first and then that face turned to confusion and then seemingly troubled. Tak sanggup la nak get that look.

So I saw him in my dreams, just this last weekend. It was at a dinner outside. I remember I was seated at a table with a few more guests. I looked to my left and there he was. All I could remember was I hugged him and told him it's been too long and I missed him.

But of course waking up I wondered... if he called again and told me he was in town, would I go see him?

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