Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Reminiscence

Zam remembered the day he took the oath to his Sayed. He remembered the two rakaat prayer of repentance he took before that. Remembered as his forehead touched the floor how he wants to leave who he was and how he hoped, so much hope, that he'd be reborn into a new man.

Zam remembered as he took his oath, eyes closed, the sense of lifting he felt. Some vague light and subtle warmth he saw like he was sitting under a thick blanket and someone lifted the blanket away and let the light shine through. Zam remembered when he opened his eyes and the Sayed smiled.

"You are now at ihsan." Mindful of He Who Is Most High.

It was a gift and a responsibility, Zam knew. A gift because what he had now was an awareness, unlike before, that God is ever watchful of what he does. It made prayers feel more meaningful, fasting more wonderful and when bad things happen... a strong sense of hope and sureness comes very soon after the despair he feels in his heart. Things just would be okay, Zam knew.

But it was not a silver bullet against himself. He was made to understand his greatest enemy wasn't the devil or evil things in the world. The greatest enemy is always himself.

So Zam forgot himself. No... he remembers because 'ihsan' is almost a constant voice in his head now... but he ignores it. He ignored it once, and then twice, and then more often and like a muscle being put to good use, ignoring became so very easy.

But ihsan never goes away, an ignore voice is not a silenced voice. It calls back. It knocks on his doors... "Zam, come back. Let's go. This is not the place you want to be in."

And Zam remember, in one of his counsels, the Sayed told Zam. "When I first met you, I felt that you are someone who had to take the path or you will be lost." Zam remembered when he heard that, he couldn't imagine himself 'being lost'. He was feeling he found where he wants to go and thought he's set for it. With or without a guide, he thought, he'd head there on his own two feet.

Zam knows now he is very wrong about that. Spiritual inspiration doesn't last (at least to this weak heart). Tests comes and too many failures will drag you down. The Sayed was very right, if he didn't have that constant knockings in his heart, he'd just slide deeper into forgetfulness. He'd just be 'forgotten' and when the time comes... it'll be too late.

I want to go back, I really do. I don't want to be too late.

1 comment:

  1. what was it that i wanted to say... dah lupa.. owh yeah, no one ever reach perfection. Yeah I think that was it.

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