Are you okay?

Men don't open up much, do we. When we do, it's usually with the expectation that the other person can do something about it. Make things better. Open up too much and we'd be seen as less capable and for a man, that's bad. To be relied upon is a virtue, no?

My ex died January last year and my eldest told his therapist that. So post-session I sat down with the therapist to talk about meds and how my son is doing. She gave condolences and asked how was the arrangements for the kids and all.

Then she just went "Are you okay?"

I didn't quite expect that. I paused to think when is it "not okay" and "how would I know when I am not okay?". The latter question because there was a year (or few) my mom got worried about me and suggested I get help. During that time I felt I was okay and really didn't know how bad in a place I was. Looking back it was pretty horrid and I wondered what damaged I dealt to people around me then.

So honestly, I didn't know if I am okay but I just told her that I was.

Glad she asked anyway. There was a moment feeling of letting down something heavy that even you didn't notice you had. It's not that nobody asked before but like i said... therapists can help with that kind of stuffs and I guess I felt telling her anything can make things better.

It was a new chapter in my life after that. A year gone by and some things didn't quite come out as I (didn't really) plan. I'm pretty bad at parenting stuffs and more than once I am very sure kids would be better with their mom. Alas, this is not so.

To you, my imaginary readers, Are you Okay?